Heath Has Anthony's Credit Card: Volume 1

The Tokyo Game Show is nearly upon us, and you can look forward to in-depth coverage almost as good as last year's, beginning September 18th and lasting until whenever I finish, which shouldn't be too late because I hate working hard.

Even though I'm in Japan, I'm nowhere near Tokyo, and getting there plus staying there for three days will not be cheap. To get me whatever I need for Game Revolution, fearless leader Anthony Severino has given me his credit card. Let's begin our 2013 Tokyo Game Show coverage by looking at the things Sev can expect to see when his next bill arrives.

TGS is a whole two weeks away, and I need a lot of caffeine to get me through the prep work. Fortunately, the Coca-Cola company just unleashed Vanilla Coke upon Japan… but only for a limited time! That means I need to grab two weeks' worth, ASAP! I wonder if these 155 bottles will be enough?

I need some reading material for the trip up to Tokyo. Do work on my laptop, you say? Nah, I run a school full of kids whose English keeps getting better cause I keep shit fresh (hi kids!). Yeah some of them read Game Revolution. I found this out when an 11-year-old was like "I find Heath-sensei online." I was like, "It's 'found,' kiddo, but what exactly do you mean?" I gave her one of my laptops that Anthony's credit card bought last year, and she pulled up GameRevolution. I was all, "Eehh, you probably shouldn't read that," but then I thought of something else: fuck that. Keep clicking my articles and justifying this identify theft scheme I've got going on.

The hell was I talkin' about? Oh yeah, Detective Conan. My junior high kids like Detective Conan, so I want to get the English version of a few comics for us to study. I'm not worried about the level, because my crew is way above your typical junior high kids (my five years teaching in a JHS has shown me this). We've already read The Magic Treehouse, Boxcar Children, and Goosebumps, so it's time for new territory. Finding this on eBay proved difficult, because it's not called Conan in English, it's called Case Closed. I'll use TGS travel time to read some of these and get some lesson ideas with them.

Whoa, bless my lucky stars, the whole series? Well, why get only one or two books when I've got someone else's credit card? Forty-Seven books later, I'm the hippest sensei in this machi. Kids, when you read this, make sure to thank "Sev-sei" for the new reading material.

Sadly, this pile is 47 books high, but I can only fit 29 into my backpack. Well, I'll read the others when I get home. Or never. Not like it cost me anything.

Damn, though, books are heavy. I guess I'll only take one of these to Tokyo.

Also had to pick up some Tough Actin' Tinactin Jock Itch Cream for my itchy, um, foot? No, I am lying. My foot is not itchy and my regular Tinactin won't do. I wasn't gonna look this stuff up and see if it was available in Japan or what it was called. It'd be a little weird going up and saying, "Wa-ta-shi-no, bo-o-ru-zu-ga, to-te-mo ka-yu-i de-su. Bo-o-ru-zu. My BALLS! I'm trying to tell you that my balls are itchy, man, where's the Tinactin Jock Itch?"

Plus, drug stores here don't take credit cards. To the internet!

Turns out, however, that the active ingredients in regular and ballsack Tinactin are exactly the same. In both, the active ingredient is tolnaftate1%. That's it. That's the whole deal. In both.

Here's where the subconscious is frighteningly powerful, though. I have this information, yet I am scared as hell to put the regular Tinactin on my man zone. I know it's the same stuff in the tube, yet I will only use red on a foot and blue on a package.

The End.