Who Is Buying These $400 Life-Size Pokemon?

Pokemon in the real world would be rubbish. You’d nip out to get a coffee, accidentally meander into unmown grass, and then suddenly find yourself locked in battle with a giant pigeon. Logistically speaking, no one wants real Pokemon even if they think they do — it’s all fun and games until you excitedly throw a Pokeball and out flops an emaciated Squirtle you haven’t fed for two weeks.

And yet the Pokemon Company is selling a ton of life-size plush Pokemon (inventively called ‘Poke Plush’) for upwards of $400. There’s a 4-foot-tall Lucario who just stands there, menacingly. There’s a 5-foot Slowpoke. And now, there’s a life-size Spheal, sold using promotional images where it’s taking up a significant percentage of someone’s bedroom.

Who wants this? Who wants a Lucario the size of a human child who looks like he’s about to ask you if you have any games on your phone? Hundreds of dollars spent on a plush Spheal so huge that it takes up room for other, more practical furniture — an inescapable monument to your inability to spend your money wisely. Imagine Christmas Day, inviting your family over for dinner, but then not being able to pull grandma up a chair because a considerable square footage of your home is taken up by a fictional seal.

With 15 oversize Poke Plush available to buy, there’s clearly a big market for this. But who is in that market? Who is willing to spend over $400 on giant stuffed Pokemon? Twitch streamers are the likeliest candidate, fighting the ravages of time as they grow up while their average audience age stays the same. The giant Pikachu seems purpose-built to sit in the background of a stream, convincing teenage viewers that the 30-year-old man they’re watching is just like them, except with enough money to overthrow the government of a small country.

But Twitch streamers aren’t a large percentage of the population. There are people out there who just have these giant Pokemon in their house as decoration, in the same way that you or I would have a nice plant or lamp. People who, upon seeing a $499.99 45-inch Mareep available for sale, think: “This would look great in my lounge.”

But given that my best years were in the late ’90s trading Pokemon cards with friends, maybe I’m missing something here.

Maybe the final piece of the puzzle is buying a giant Lucario to stand ominously in the corner of my bedroom, staring at me with unblinking eyes while I sleep.

Maybe then I will achieve the same level of happiness I had as an 8-year-old, pulling a shiny Blastoise from a foil pack and feeling like the world was at my fingertips.

Or, maybe I should just spend that $400 on food and bills.

Hmm.